The Best Online Dating Site For You
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Community & Social Networking | 12 Comments
If you are reading this post we presume you are single and contemplating an entry into the world of online dating. Our unbridled advice is: Go for it!
Think of it this way: If you were looking for a job you’d conduct your search online. When looking for a gift or for tomorrow’s weather forecast or for a used car you search online. So why not when looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
So, got for it! And start by choosing the online dating site that will work best for you. The internet hosts dozens of dating sites but only a handful of them are worth joining.
Spot Cool Stuff has gone through all of the various online dating site options and found the four that are most likely to bring you to that special person you seek.
Check out the full reviews or, if you are the impatient sort, skip ahead to our conclusions:
Match.com
How It Works
Start by filling out a one page profile. The most important part of the profile is the free form About me and whom I am looking for section. Write as much or little as you like about whatever you wish. There are several optional fields too, each limited to a few sentences, with names like for fun, my job, my ethnicity, my religion, favorite hot spot and last read.
After your profile is up you can either wait to be found by potential suitors or, better, be proactive and start browsing for that special some one yourself. Match lets you search by all the obvious criteria (ie. age and location) and some unexpected ones too. Looking for a tall, Dutch-speaking, Catholic, vegetarian executive who has horses, likes body piercings and holds liberal politics leanings? Match.com can set you up.
Once you find a good prospect you can write that person through Match.com email system. It’s all anonymous—your email will be from YOURMATCHNAME@MATCHTALK.COM. Some people will make contact through Match in the morning and meet for a date that same evening. Others go through a days-, weeks- or months-long progression of exchanging emails through Match, then writing through their “normal” email addresses, then talking on the phone, and then meeting in person.
Who Uses it
Match is—easily—the largest and most popular online dating service with over 15 million users worldwide. You’ll find all sorts here, gay and straight, old and young, those looking for serious commitment and those looking for a fling. As a vague generality, the site is most popular with people seeking to exclusively date but not necessarily to get married.
Price
$35 per month (or the rough equivalent in your local currency) if you sign up for their month-by-month plan. However, we strongly suggest signing up for their six month plan for $17/month. You’ll probably want more than a month’s worth of time on Match and the six month plan comes with a guarantee—if you haven’t found some one by the end of that time you’ll get another six months for free.
If You Go Onto Match.com . .
- Instead of writing an email through Match, users have the opinion of expressing their interest in another through a wink. Winking at a profile results in Match sending that person an email saying that they’ve been winked at. And it almost never results in an in-person connection. If you find a potential match, forget winking and express your interest in a personalized message.
- Match.com lets you save a search and then get a daily (or weekly, your choice) email of the new profiles that match your criteria. Take advantage of this feature— new people are constantly joining Match. We suggest save two searches—a specific one with your dream person and a broader one with only your must-have criteria.
eHarmony
How It Works
People new to online dating and who have heard of Match.com and eHarmony assume those two sites are pretty much the same. They are not.
Match.com is very open ended—you decide what you write about in your profile, you decide what singles on the site to contact and what you’ll talk about when you do.
Next, you’ll get a list of potential partners based on your questionnaire results. We were, initially, extremely skeptical of this eHarmony matching system. No longer. From our own experience, and from talking with many other eHarmony users, there’s clearly something to eHarmony’s personality profile matching. It really does work. And it is the biggest advantage eHarmony has over Match.com. (Chemistry.com uses a matching system similar to eHarmony; we like Chemistry’s user interface more but find that eHarmony does the better job linking compatible people).
Online daters on Match.com tend to seek out the same sorts of people there that they do in in-person social situations. But what if you are single because you are naturally attracted to people incompatible with you? The eHarmony system is excellent at presenting you with singles who maybe aren’t the sort you’d normally interact with but who, there’s reason to believe, could be the perfect partner for you. How cool is that?!
Once you’ve found a potential partner on eHarmony you’d like to contact the site leads you through a “guided communication” process. This process involves you and your potential match sending each other your answers to eHarmony’s pre-written questions, “revealing” to each other your lists of Must Haves and Can’t Stands and getting advice from eHarmony’s founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, based on your personality profiles. Every step along the way is totally voluntary; you can drop out of it, and pursue communication with another potential match, at any time.
Here’s an example of how the eHarmony guided communication process looks:
Some people really like this “guided communication” process. They feel it breaks the ice and quickly reveals potential compatibility—or incompatibility—without having to dive right into that messy in-person dating thing. Once people go through the eHarmony system and then meet in person they already have a sort of foundation of understanding.
Others (Spot Cool Stuff among them) find value in that messy in-person dating thing and feel that eHarmony’s structured communication process is downright unromantic. If you feel this way don’t be put off from joining. eHarmony offers matches the option of “fast tracking” their potential relationship and skipping all those steps Jessie and Jordan go through in our above example.
Who Uses it
Compared to Match.com, users of eHarmony tend to be a bit older and significantly more inclined towards marriage and long term relationships. eHarmony operates in the U.S.A, Canada, the UK and Australia.
Currently eHarmony is only for straights. The founder of eHarmony plans to launch a separate same-sex dating website called Compatible Partners. In the meantime, gay and lesbian singles interested in the eHarmony-style personality matching would do well joining Chemistry.com.
Price
The cost per month for eHarmony’s Compatibility Matching System drops significantly as you sign up for longer period of time. One month is $60 (in USD, or the equivalent in your local currency), 3 months for $120 ($40/month), 6 months for $180 ($30/month) or 1 year for $240 ($20/month).
If You Go Join eHarmony . . .
- A lot of your experience with eHarmony will depend on your answers to their personality test when you first join. Set aside a good chuck of quiet time (45 mins to 1 hour) to answer those questions as accurately as you can.
It’s Just Lunch
How It Works
Unlike all the other online dating sites that made our cut as the internet’s best, you have no personal profile on It’s Just Lunch. Instead, after you sign up you meet privately with a member of the IJL staff to discuss the sort of person you are looking for. IJL then matches you up for a lunch date (or for drinks after work). IJL works as the intermediary arranging the time and place. All you need do is show up.
Easy.
Who Uses it
Virtually every It’s Just Lunch client is an upper-mid level urban professional—account managers, sales people, computer programmers, business consultants and the like.
Check the IJL website to see if they operate in your urban area. Generally, It’s Just Lunch has an office in all the major large U.S. cities, some mid-sized ones and a smattering of other urban centers around the world including Singapore, Toronto and several locations in Australia (Canberra, Byron Bay, Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane and the Gold Coast). At the time of writing, the only European cities with IJL are in Ireland: Belfast, Dublin, Cork and Galway.
Price
The personalized service of It’s Just Lunch is expensive! Exactly how expensive depends on your location and how many dates you sign up for. To be set up on 14 dates IJL generally charges around $1,500. Not including the price of all those lunches.
If You Join It’s Just Lunch . . .
- Be as brutally honest and detailed as you can during your entry interview. We suggest putting together a list of qualities you are looking for divided into Must Have, Nice To Have and In My Dream World categories. Write the list in advance so you don’t forget any of your criteria during your interview and to be certain that you and your IJL account rep are on the same page (literally).
Lavalife
How It Works
Lavalife is two dating sites in one: When you register you choose which to part to join: relationship or intimacy. You can join both but that requires filling out two profiles, with two different user names, two sets of photos, etc.
If you are the sort who would sign up for a relationship—that is, if you seek some one to date monogamously for some period of time longer than, say, a weekend—then Lavalife is not the best online dating site for you. You’d be much, much better off on Match.com.
However, Lavalife is perhaps the best site we know of for people looking for a fling. All you do is write a short profile description (it has to be over 100 characters long, and many people don’t go much beyond that), select among a list of rather adult list of activities you are interesting in “exploring” and then off you go. Unlike with the winks on Match.com, people on Lavalife do seem to hook up through sending each other smiles. The site also has a good instant messenger system.
The people who have the most success on Lavalife—and we don’t think this will come as a shock to you—are those who post the most alluring photos of themselves.
Who Uses it
Users on Lavalife tend to skew younger (eg. under 32) and the majority are looking for a physical encounter, not a committed relationship. Lavalife operates in the United States, Canada (both in English and French) and Australia.
Price
There are two packages: $30 for one month or (the better value) $57 for three months.
If You Join Lavalife . . .
- Almost everyone’s profile description on Lavalife are exceptionally bland. Put a little extra time into yours, insert a bit of wit, surprise with a spark of creativity, and you’ll really stand out from the crowd.
And The Best Online Dating Website Is . .
. . . whichever of the above four sites fits your circumstances best.
Match.com will be the best website for the plurality of people reading these words. If you’ve studied this entire article and still aren’t sure which site to join, then Match should almost certainly be your choice. Match has the largest—and most diverse—group of users. It is also the best value among the dating sites and comes with six-month success guarantee.
However, you may well be one of those for whom Match.com is not optimal:
eHarmony is the best online dating site if you seek a relationship that will lead to marriage. eHarmony users are, generally speaking, looking for longer term relationships than are the users of the other three sites reviewed here. We are also big fans of eHarmony’s Compatibility Matching System. If you’ve gone out on a lot of dates but it seems they are always with people who don’t seem fit you somehow then we strongly encourage you to try eHarmony.
It’s Just Lunch is expensive but well worthwhile if you live in one of the urban areas they serve and if you are looking to date upper-mid level executive types. IJL is also the least time consuming of the online dating sites reviewed here—they arrange all your dates for you.
Lavalife is the site for you if you are looking for a fling. Simple as that.
A Final Thought . . .
Years ago, one of us here at Spot Cool Stuff (who will remain anonymous) went out on an online-arranged date with a woman we’ll call Jane. All the email interaction with Jane was great. So we agreed to meet for lunch, at which point Jane was promptly revealed to be planet’s most apathetic person.
Our conversation started badly and deteriorated from there. You know you are in for a painful first date when “What’s your favorite food?” is one of the discussion topics. And when it generates no discussion:
SCS: So . . . um . . . what’s your favorite food?
Jane: Food’s okay.
SCS: I mean, what kinds of food do you like?
Jane: I wouldn’t eat if I didn’t have to.
SCS: Well, what do you tend to cook for yourself at home?
Jane: Things, mostly.
Things mostly?! There was a great temptation, resisted, to ask about the non-things Jane was eating. Instead, we trudged through 40 minutes of conversation along the lines of the above snippet and then bolted from the lunch restaurant as quickly as possible.
Almost every veteran of online dating has bad date stories. And almost every one has met good people too, people who have gone on to at least become friends. Many, many people form intimate relationships through online dating. And many form marriages. For some, it doesn’t work at all.
There is some extent to which online dating is a skill, an activity that can be done better with practice. But there’s also an extent that it is random. There have been people who have had bad experiences with every one of our four above best dating sites. There have been people would swear by their services.
And so, in addition to signing up for whichever of the above online dating services that meets your specific circumstances the best, our advice is:
Approach online dating with a sense of humor, with a spirit of adventure and with as few expectations as possible. Online dating is like going to a foreign country for the first time—you are in it for the new experiences, whatever they may be.
Of course, it is easier to be expectations-free if you are paying relatively small amounts for Match or eHarmony versus the large sums It’s Just Lunch charges. For you, maybe that’s an argument for going with an inexpensive one-month Match.com trial.
Whatever online dating site you decide to use, we urge you to go for it! And to keep at it.
Please, feel free to share your online dating experiences in our comments section. Or to ask questions.
Good luck. We wish you romance in your future.
December 28th, 2008at 2:51 am(#)
Interesting reviews of online dating. I have reviewed a lot of the online dating site’s relationship assessments and am interested to hear from people about their effectiveness or not.
Keep up the good work, not only do these reviews help people use online dating more effectively but it also keeps the industry on their toes! It has to be a win-win for the sites & their customers!
December 28th, 2008at 11:41 am(#)
Oh, thank you, thank you! I’ve been looking for some one to explain the differences between these sites in the clear way you did. It looks like eHarmony is the one for me. Will let you know how it goes.
March 21st, 2009at 5:54 pm(#)
Thanks so much for breaks each site down for us… with so many sites I was confused and didn’t know which way to turn.They each claim to be the best. I’m currently trying to find my dad a new girlfriend, he always chooses the wrong ones… or ones who just want his money. He wants a long term relationship (not just a booty call that Match.com offers) and he’s a great guy… and ladies interested he’ll be at Eharmony! Thanks again.
May 15th, 2009at 10:01 am(#)
Great article, the summarizing of the sites above was excellent and your point of view give a pretty good light on the dating industry at the moment. Oh and btw the lavalife promo is expiring today :)
May 26th, 2009at 7:51 pm(#)
I am surprised you left of OkCupid & PlentyOfFish. Both are completely free, and better alternatives to the sites that you reviewed.
I am particularly amazed by OK Cupid. We use it to find interesting social connections in the cities we visit – and the matching algorithm is uncannily good.
-Chris
May 27th, 2009at 4:29 pm(#)
Chris,
Thanks for your excellent comment.
In general, we are not big fans of the free dating websites (which, as you know, both OKCupid and Plenty Of Fish are).
By being forced to pay something for the service the people on all the sites we reviewed tend to take being on the site much more seriously. If registration is free then anyone can sign up on a lark, or as a joke, or put up a totally phony profile. Not only are eHarmony and Match.com larger than the sites you mentioned (in the U.S. and UK) but they also have a much more active membership with people more likely to write back and who are more serious about looking for partners. eHarmony, in particular, is much more effective than Plenty of Fish or OKCupid if you are hoping to work towards marriage. Finally, there are people who would say that the pay sites are safer since people have to submit a credit card number and so aren’t completely anonymous.
On top of that, Plenty of Fish, we think, is a rather badly done site. The interface is terrible, the profiles don’t reveal much about people, and the site often mashes up people’s photos in an odd way. The site has, however, taken off in Canada (where it is actually the most popular dating website). So, if you live in Canada, it is probably worth a try.
OKCupid, by contrast, is actually a really well done site. The major drawbacks (besides being free, which, as explained, we consider a drawback with dating websites) is: 1) it isn’t very popular (yet) and 2) the only physical characteristics you can search for is height and ethnicity. (On Match.com you can search for body type, eye color, hair color, best feature, etc.). That said, OKCupid is maybe the most intellectually-oriented of the major dating websites. Much of the site is based on taking these fun “tests,” which are like informal psychological profiles—if you were a hobbit which one would you be, for example. If it turns out you’d be Frodo then you can try to match up with other would-be Frodos. If nothing else your supposed Frodo-ness could be a topic of conversation to break the ice. Also, as you point out, OKCupid is good for making platonic relationships in a way that none of the above sites are.
Of course, there’s no rule saying you can only be on one dating site. So, absolutely, if you are so inspired we’d suggest giving OKCupid a try. But if you find that you aren’t meeting the people you’d like to on OKCupid don’t chalk that up to online dating in general—give one of the four above sites a go as well.
May 30th, 2009at 1:35 am(#)
You mentioned you didn’t particularly like free online dating sites but I think the key is to be a member in more than one to get the best play of the field. Recently Plenty of Fish entered the non-free area by having premium users that have no real features. Paying for a free site seems really odd.
May 30th, 2009at 9:55 am(#)
FOD,
Well, I agree it is really odd that Plenty of Fish would have a paying and non-paying area that offer essentially the same features. But if a free dating website has issues with non-serious members, spoof/joke profiles and safety concerns then joining multiple free sites multiplies those problems.
Plus, successfully taking part in a dating website is a bit time consuming. To us (and people can reasonably disagree about this) being active on that one site that best matches you (whether that site is free or paid) is the best strategy.
May 31st, 2009at 12:58 pm(#)
I agree that it is helpful to find a site that works & suits you personally. It’s hard to keep track of what is happening if you are signed up to a few sites. Also focusing all your efforts in one spot means that you put more attention & focus into doing it well rather than spreading yourself thin all over the web & not doing any of it well. I am a Matchmaker and I am also interested in the sites that act more like social networks and you join with your friends who can matchmake for you. Sparkbliss (private online dating) and Engage would be a couple that I know about. There are also some mobile social networks too like funky,sexy,cool ; MeetMoi & Skout – all location based! However none of these sites appear to have any matching algorithm to back up the friendly matchmaking that happens???? The combination of both would be really powerful in finding a good match for customers.
August 1st, 2009at 1:29 am(#)
Personally I know of 5 awesome marriages that have come from OkCupid.
I particularly liked the matching algorithm. You answer questions and have the choice to pick how ‘your ideal mate’ would answer. Sounds silly, but it ended up giving me a “99% match” with someone who sees the world around us the same way I do. It certainly helped get a lot of awkward conversations out of the way because we had been matched with someone who answered in kind with us on questions regarding religion, marriage, children and politics. You can skip any question you don’t want to answer. And it throws in silly little questions like “How many times a day do you brush your teeth?” You can choose that you absolutely would not date a person who chose ‘0′ times per day.
A lot of people have paid for the sites you suggest and have deactivated their account without finding anyone.
Just because it’s free doesn’t mean it has no potential.
October 6th, 2009at 10:30 am(#)
I agree that paid dating sites often have people with better profiles, it just depends if you are prepared to pay the money for them.
October 13th, 2009at 8:12 am(#)
My opinion: I like the free dating sites. More and more sites like freshsingle.com are becoming popular and that is ok. You don´t have to pay a fee for talking to people. I was a paying member of services like match.com and eharmony but I didn´t find my perfect match there. I am now married to my husband since 2005 and we met online at freshsingle.com. So I think you can´t say that all the free sites are unusable.